My daughters turn 4 months tomorrow. I'm not sure if I'm still hormonal but it does make me a little teary eyed when I see how much they have grown. I remember how devastating it was to see them in the Neonatal ICU. How much I cried when I had to leave them in the hospital after I was discharged. I'm sure I will recount this story many many times but it's been 4 months already & it seems like it was yesterday.
I wonder if they will ever understand how much they were wanted and how much they are loved. Will they ever know how I tire myself day after day trying to do what is only the very best for them? Every decision I make in my life I think about how it will impact them. I analyze over & over again and wonder if I'm doing the right thing. Deciding their care while I go to work has caused me such incredible anxiety because there is nothing more I would want then to stay home with them myself. But unfortunately I have to sacrifice my precious time with them so that I can provide for them. UUUGGHH...I know I'm not alone here. I realize that I'm not the first or last mom that with a heavy heart leaves their child behind entrusting them with someone else & praying that she's made the right decision for her child. Alas we'll never know. Not now anyways. I know that every decision I make for them will determine the adults they will become. I only have one chance at this...and terrifies me that I might screw it up.
I've always been pretty confident in my decisions. I know what I've wanted out of my career, my relationship, my home, BUT this is a whole new territory of uncertainty for me. If there is one thing that I've promised myself is that I will tell my little girls every day how much I do love them. Even if I make mistakes along the way my love for them is beyond what words can describe.
I wonder if they will ever understand how much they were wanted and how much they are loved. Will they ever know how I tire myself day after day trying to do what is only the very best for them? Every decision I make in my life I think about how it will impact them. I analyze over & over again and wonder if I'm doing the right thing. Deciding their care while I go to work has caused me such incredible anxiety because there is nothing more I would want then to stay home with them myself. But unfortunately I have to sacrifice my precious time with them so that I can provide for them. UUUGGHH...I know I'm not alone here. I realize that I'm not the first or last mom that with a heavy heart leaves their child behind entrusting them with someone else & praying that she's made the right decision for her child. Alas we'll never know. Not now anyways. I know that every decision I make for them will determine the adults they will become. I only have one chance at this...and terrifies me that I might screw it up.
I've always been pretty confident in my decisions. I know what I've wanted out of my career, my relationship, my home, BUT this is a whole new territory of uncertainty for me. If there is one thing that I've promised myself is that I will tell my little girls every day how much I do love them. Even if I make mistakes along the way my love for them is beyond what words can describe.
My babies were 6 weeks old in this picture.
!
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